Do sons make women unsexy?

Remember how I mentioned our secretary who left for another department?  (The one with the see-through bra?)  Well I met her replacement today.  Let’s call her Julie.  She is a blonde in her mid-forties, perhaps a wee bit on the chunky side, but otherwise, very nice looking.  I haven’t decided if I am going to add her to the list of hotties just yet.  Anyway, as part of introductions, she mentioned her children, and pointed to a small picture tacked on the cubicle wall.  It was a picture of three beautiful girls, ages 12, 7, and 4.  What surprised me most was that I wasn’t surprised.  In fact, I would have been completely surprised if she had sons.

And then I started to ponder for a bit:  Is there a connection between a woman’s beauty and the gender of her children?  I thought about my list of hotties and their children.  Only three actually have children:  Ashna has two daughters, ages 11 and 8.  Hasna has two daughters, one 5 years old, and of course her 4 month old.  Amy, the lone exception, has one son who is 19.  Praveena, Maryanne, Ellen, and Michelle all have no children.

So then I thought of a few other women I know in the company:

• One woman, who works for Maryanne, has twin boys, age 5.  She’s a nice person, but she is extremely plain looking.  She very much has the “soccer mom” look — and not the hot kind.  She even wears the high-rise pants that cover her navel.
• Linda, Hasna’s boss, has a daughter age 5 and a son age 2.  She’s not bad either, but she too is very plain-looking.  She also has no real personality.
• Another woman manager in our group has two grown boys, ages 24 and 20.  She is certainly sociable and friendly, and I’m convinced that with a few drinks in her, I could score.  But she also has the very plain soccer-mom look going for her.
• Another woman that I used to work with has a daughter age 14 and a son age 9.  Now she’s cute.  Not quite enough sexual energy to make the hottie list, but definitely cute.

I didn’t make any charts, but it seems that the hotties have daughters, and the non-hotties have sons.  Why is that?  Does a household full of boys cause a woman to “let herself go”?  Perhaps these moms, in an effort to connect with their sons, intentionally (or subconsciously) lose interest in fashion, and instead become interested in things like sports, cars, and action figures.  Or maybe it is that as parents, they are subconsciously demonstrating to their children what qualities are needed to eventually attract a mate.  Do mothers of sons act more “manly,” in the hopes that their sons will pick up these behaviors?  Is that why moms of daugthers keep up with fashion, makeup, and (sadly) dieting?  Are they subliminally transmitting the necessary qualities that their daughters should learn?

A few Google searches turned up a study that suggested the reverse might be true:  plain-looking people have sons, and hotties have daughters.  Here’s a study by Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa that suggests beautiful people are 36% more likely to have daughters.  To be honest, I think the article got the cause-and-effect backwards.  After all, we all learned in school that it is the father’s DNA that determines the sex of the child.  Yes, one might argue that the female ovum “admits” the type of sperm, but I don’t think so.  I’m more convinced that it has more to do with raising sons than bearing them.

Nevertheless, it looks like there is some connection.  Think about it:  Barbara Bush had sons.  Laura Bush had daughters.  Who would you rather see naked?

Bra Spotting, Part 3

 Question:  When you enter a conference room, and spot a woman wearing a button-down blouse, where should you sit?

Answer:  If you are trying to glimpse her bra, on her left.

Why?  It has to do with the way women’s blouses are buttoned.  Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right side; women’s blouses have them on the left.  This means that the right side (the one with the button holes) is placed over the one on the left side, and therefore, you have a good chance of spotting bra when you are positioned on the left.

The beauty of this technique is, it works for a large variety of body sizes and blouse types.  With a loose-fitting blouse (which is more common), the front tends to bunch up a bit, particularly when the woman is sitting down and leaning forward.  You wind up getting a good view of the tops of her breasts.  When the blouse is tight, you will generally get a good peek at the lower breast area.

I was watching a rerun of The Office the other day, and it was the episode where Michael gets back from Jamaica.  In the very beginning of the episode, I immediately noticed that Karen’s blouse was kinda loose, and immediately began to look.  Sure enough, thirty seconds later, I caught a shot of her bra:

Although technically we are looking from the right side, you can see how the blouse bunches up, and with a little practice, you can effectively spot a bra.  So, give it a try, and let me know how you do!

Bra Spotting, Part 2

In my last post, I covered the lowest-risk way to spot a bra, which was to simply look through a sheer blouse.  The problem is, of course, that this requires the woman to be wearing such a see-through blouse.

The second technique is the “down blouse” technique.  Now I know that I don’t even have to describe this to you; a simple image search for “down blouse” will show you exactly what is meant.  This is the most common technique for observing a woman’s bra, but it is also the riskiest.  If she happens to look up right when you are looking down her blouse, you are in trouble.  In fact, even if you don’t actually look down the blouse, you might be an unwitting victim of circumstance if you are simply standing in the wrong spot, facing the wrong direction.

Nevertheless, it can be done.  Here are a few tips (pun not intended):

1. Never stand above a woman, trying to look down the blouse.  This is just way too obvious.  Rather, wait until she is bending forward, perhaps to pick something up or to fix something.  Chances are, she will be so engrossed in what she is doing that she may not realize that you are looking.  I had a great view of a secretary who was cutting a cake at an office birthday party.
2. If you see a woman place her hand on her chest, to hold up her blouse, then abandon the effort.  She is aware of her predicament and will be looking out for guys to accuse.
3. People think that a button-down blouse is a necessity for this technique, but in actuality, you do much better if the woman is wearing a scoop top.  In fact, I’ve found that a scoop top even works better than a tank top.  (If she is wearing a button-down blouse, you might have better luck if you try the technique outlined in Part 3, which is soon to come.)
4. Don’t stare for more than half a second.  Quick, furtive glances are the key.

With practice, you will develop the instinct to quickly look when you see a woman bend over.  I’ve even spied the bras of women on TV.  For example, I was watching an episode of Home Improvement, when Jill (played by Patricia Richardson) walked in with grocery bags.  She placed the grocery bags down, and boom, there was her bra, right on camera.  You think editing would have caught that.  It just goes to show — it can happen anywhere.

Bra Spotting, Part 1

Remember way back when I talked about panty spotting?  Well, the natural counterpart is bra spotting.   It’s just as fun as panty spotting, and in fact, due to the nature of bras, there are more techniques to use.  I’ll cover these techniques over the next few posts.  It is also worth saying that bra spotting can be riskier.  There are plenty of opportunities to get caught.  You are, in fact, looking at a woman’s chest area; you don’t want to hear, “My eyes are here!”  Quick, furtive glances are the key.

Before I begin, I thought I’d mention that it’s extremely hot if you are able to glimpse a woman’s bra and her panties.  This completes the mental picture; you now can imagine her in her underwear.  It’s even hotter when the bra and panties match.  I’ll have more to say on this later.  But for now, let’s talk about bra spotting.

The first technique is simply glimpsing the bra right through a sheer blouse.  I’m not talking about seeing the outline against a tight-fitting sweater; I’m talking about actually seeing the bra.  Admittedly, this is rare, but it can happen, as it did to me the other day.  We were having a go-away party for our administrative assistant, who is leaving our group and going to work in another department.  She’s an extremely cute blonde, in her late thirties, and recently divorced as well.  I couldn’t believe the blouse she was wearing.  It was white, and although you couldn’t see much through the front, the back was so sheer that you clearly saw the entire bra.  Heck, if the bra had been a color other than white, I would have been able to tell you the exact shade.

This situation is ideal, in the sense that you can stare without being caught, at least by her.  (Watch out for bystanders!)  The next two techniques are more risky, since you can easily get caught if you aren’t careful.

As for the lady, she still works in my building.  I’ll have to stop by every once in a while to see when she wears the blouse.  (Oh, and I never got to spot her panties that day.  Oh well!)

What’s with the wink?

For the next week or so, I’m involved in these huge meetings of 20-30 people.   Ashna and Michelle were there, but I was also introduced to some other lovely ladies.  One of them, an older blonde, actually winked at me while we shook hands.

What’s the deal with that?

I’m fairly certain that it wasn’t a flirt.  The wink happened exactly while she said, “Hi.”  It wasn’t like she did it afteward, and there wasn’t any sort of coy-ness.  To be honest, it seemed kind of… well, maternal, I guess.  It’s not like she’s that old, either.

During the meeting, I tried to make eye contact with her, but alas, she never looked my way.  Was she possibly keeping it cool, or was it really just a wink and nothing more?  We shall see.

Has anyone else encountered a winker?

Back to Work

Now that everyone is back, I thought I’d post a few updates as to what is going on.

First, there’s Praveena.  She’s finally back, and I paid her a special visit to ask how her New Year’s Eve was.  She said that she spent it with cousins.  Remember how I wrote that she may not have known I was married, even though I always wear my ring?  Well, I specifically told her that I spent my New Year’s home with my family, and she seemed to get the hint.  I didn’t come right out and ask if she was married — I felt this would “tip my hand,” so to speak.  But I’ll gauge her reaction over the next few days.  If she is, in fact, single, then I will have to change my strategy somewhat.  I still want to let her know I’m interested, but you have to be careful with single women.

I did get a chance to chat with Amy.  She is getting ready to sell her house.  This is great because it gives me a conversation starter.  No mention of the dancing comment, however.  Bonus: I got a peek at her bellybutton!  It’s an innie.

An amusing thing happened with Ashna.  You have to understand that Ashna’s name is not actually “Ashna”; I change all names to protect the innocent.  But her name is close to Ashna, and this almost tripped me up.  While I was walking into the building yesterday, I was deep in thought, thinking about my plans to track Ashna’s monthly cycle, when suddenly I see her standing in the lobby.  I had to stop myself from actually calling her Ashna!  That would have been weird.  But she did notice the studder, and later on, she commented on how she said hi to me but I was deep in thought.  Heh, if she only knew.

On a more serious note, I learned that Maryanne’s husband was in a car accident.  He’s okay for now but needs to undergo physical therapy.  This basically means that I have to stop flirting with Maryanne, at least for the time being.  I’ll switch it into “emotional support” mode.  I’ll have more to say about this kind of situation in future posts.

Charting the Cycle

At a previous job I received a little tidbit of advice from a co-worker: if you have a female manager in your chain-of-command, plot her menstrual cycle.  He swore by it.  He said that if he was asking for something, he would wait until his female boss was not “on the rag.”  When I asked if this was difficult, he said it wasn’t.   Apparently, his boss was really moody when she was having her period.

Earlier this year, I had started to do this with Hasna.  Of course, when I learned that she was pregnant, I had to abandon my little project.  But I think I will attempt it with Hasna’s boss Linda, who is filling in for Hasna.  And I might just try it with Ashna, who I noticed can be a bit moody at times.

There’s not much I can offer as far as advice, except to say that most women feel the most irritable before they actually get their period (this is why it’s called pre-menstrual syndrome).  And the only other clue is to see if they take their purse with them to the ladies’ room.  Most modern-day ladies’ rooms at the office have tampon dispensers, but some women still prefer pads, so very often you will see women take their purses with them.  Also note that women’s cycles can vary in length, especially if they are not taking birth control.

When I return to work, I’ll start keeping a log of how irritable Ashna and Linda seem to be.  And I’ll note if I happen to see them enter the ladies room with purse in tow.  I’ll post the results here.

Slow Day Means Story Time

What a slow day at the office — nobody was in.  I thought it would have been a great day to spend some time flirting with the hotties, but alas, nobody was in.  No Ashna.  No Praveena.  No Maryanne.  I even checked to see if Ellen was in.  Nobody!  I would have even flirted with Michelle, had she been in.

I’ve been reading the How To Cheat On Your Girl blog that I mentioned in my last post, and getting all sorts of great advice.  But I also have some good advice of my own, and in the spirit of sharing, I thought I’d entertain with a quick little story that has a small nugget of advice.

The story is actually not my story — it’s from a guy I worked with a long time ago.  I’ll call him Steve, and he was telling a bunch of us this story (this is Steve talking):

“A while back, I got a call from a woman named Wanda.  She called me by my name, and she said she met me.  I didn’t know her, so I asked who she was.  She then got angry with me, saying, ‘You mean you don’t remember?’  I honestly didn’t, and I told her so.  She then yelled at me, called me an a-hole, and hung up on me.  I figured it was a prank call, so I shrugged and went back to work.

“A few weeks later, I was talking with a buddy of mine, and he asked, ‘Hey, did you ever get a call from Wanda?’  I said ‘Yeah, what was that?’  He told me that he picked up this girl at a bar, and since he had my business card, he used my name.  When she asked for his number, he gave her the business card.”

Wow, what a neat trick!  It works even better if you manage to steal a bunch of business cards from a person that you dislike (and who you don’t interact with a whole lot — preferably, at a different company).  Although I’ve never actually used this trick, I’ve got a variation planned out that might work for you.  If you ever leave a company, by all means keep your old business cards.  This way, you can scribble a fake number on it, and give it to her.  My name happens to be generic enough (something like Charles Smith), so I can pull it off with almost no traceability.  It also works great if you worked for a dot-com that went bust.  (Just be careful if you’ve listed the place in your LinkedIn profile — they might be able to find you.)  Heck, you could even print out fake business cards if you have the time and inclination.

Tips on Cheating

I was perusing the web the other day and found a great blog by somebody named A.C.:

http://www.howtocheatonyourgirl.com/blog/

It’s more geared to the dating scene, rather than the old married folk like me.  But there are still valuable nuggets of information there, and I intend to put some of the ideas into practice.

It may seem that the whole purpose of my blog flies in the face of his Second Unbreakable Rule:  Don’t hook up with chicks from work.   And I must say, A.C. has got some good points — namely, that if things go sour, women at work can effectively ruin your career.  But again, since his site is geared towards the unmarried kids, I think that the rule should be stated as:

“Don’t hook up with unmarried chicks from work.”

If you look at my list of hotties, most of the women are, in fact, married.  And the reason is obvious:  they have just as much, if not more, to lose if their indiscretions are revealed.  It’s the ol’ double standard:  Men who cheat are romanticized; women who cheat are unfortunately cast as whores.  A pity, if you ask me, but it does give the guys an advantage.  But even without the double standard, the risk still applies.  An old girlfriend of mine (who actually cheated on me) called it ”fear of betrayal.”  Both parties are held in kind of a cold-war mutual annihilation scenario:  if you tell on me, I tell on you.  If you ruin my marriage, I ruin yours.

I prefer not to dwell upon such unpleasantries.  I just keep flirting. 

A few loose ends

Before I settle into my Christmas vacation, let me just tie up a few loose ends of some ongoing stories.

As you may have surmised, Hasna is on maternity leave. I’ve mentioned that over the last year, she and I have gotten along much better. She had also become a lot more personable and a lot more outgoing. On the last day that she was in the office, I was hoping for a little bit of emotion. Okay, frankly, I was hoping for a hug. Something physical. (Hey, an office hug is almost as good as copping a feel.) But there was nothing; it went something like this:

“Hasna, this is the last time I am seeing you!”

“Yes it is. Did you get back to Maryanne about that issue?”

“Um, yeah, it’s done. Good luck, I hope everything goes well, and congratulations!”

“Thank you Office Player.” (She turned away at this point.)

A few days later, while she was still working from home, I called her up and wished her and her family all the best. The conversation went about the same. I hope it was just nervousness. After all, I’ve never really been close with a woman who was nine months pregnant — I’m sure she had plenty of worries on her mind.

One other story was Michelle. I told you I had met her boyfriend at the B-party. Frankly, he struck me as a bit strange. He was about 27 years old, which is four years older than Michelle. Maybe she digs the older guys, who knows? Oh, and her drink of choice was beer from a bottle — which is the unmistakable sign of a party girl. (Speaking of parties, although she wasn’t invited to the A-party, she was invited to a few other parties of other groups. And yes, she went to all of them.) Still, she’s way too young for me to hit on.