Bra Spotting, Part 3

 Question:  When you enter a conference room, and spot a woman wearing a button-down blouse, where should you sit?

Answer:  If you are trying to glimpse her bra, on her left.

Why?  It has to do with the way women’s blouses are buttoned.  Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right side; women’s blouses have them on the left.  This means that the right side (the one with the button holes) is placed over the one on the left side, and therefore, you have a good chance of spotting bra when you are positioned on the left.

The beauty of this technique is, it works for a large variety of body sizes and blouse types.  With a loose-fitting blouse (which is more common), the front tends to bunch up a bit, particularly when the woman is sitting down and leaning forward.  You wind up getting a good view of the tops of her breasts.  When the blouse is tight, you will generally get a good peek at the lower breast area.

I was watching a rerun of The Office the other day, and it was the episode where Michael gets back from Jamaica.  In the very beginning of the episode, I immediately noticed that Karen’s blouse was kinda loose, and immediately began to look.  Sure enough, thirty seconds later, I caught a shot of her bra:

Although technically we are looking from the right side, you can see how the blouse bunches up, and with a little practice, you can effectively spot a bra.  So, give it a try, and let me know how you do!

Bra Spotting, Part 2

In my last post, I covered the lowest-risk way to spot a bra, which was to simply look through a sheer blouse.  The problem is, of course, that this requires the woman to be wearing such a see-through blouse.

The second technique is the “down blouse” technique.  Now I know that I don’t even have to describe this to you; a simple image search for “down blouse” will show you exactly what is meant.  This is the most common technique for observing a woman’s bra, but it is also the riskiest.  If she happens to look up right when you are looking down her blouse, you are in trouble.  In fact, even if you don’t actually look down the blouse, you might be an unwitting victim of circumstance if you are simply standing in the wrong spot, facing the wrong direction.

Nevertheless, it can be done.  Here are a few tips (pun not intended):

1. Never stand above a woman, trying to look down the blouse.  This is just way too obvious.  Rather, wait until she is bending forward, perhaps to pick something up or to fix something.  Chances are, she will be so engrossed in what she is doing that she may not realize that you are looking.  I had a great view of a secretary who was cutting a cake at an office birthday party.
2. If you see a woman place her hand on her chest, to hold up her blouse, then abandon the effort.  She is aware of her predicament and will be looking out for guys to accuse.
3. People think that a button-down blouse is a necessity for this technique, but in actuality, you do much better if the woman is wearing a scoop top.  In fact, I’ve found that a scoop top even works better than a tank top.  (If she is wearing a button-down blouse, you might have better luck if you try the technique outlined in Part 3, which is soon to come.)
4. Don’t stare for more than half a second.  Quick, furtive glances are the key.

With practice, you will develop the instinct to quickly look when you see a woman bend over.  I’ve even spied the bras of women on TV.  For example, I was watching an episode of Home Improvement, when Jill (played by Patricia Richardson) walked in with grocery bags.  She placed the grocery bags down, and boom, there was her bra, right on camera.  You think editing would have caught that.  It just goes to show — it can happen anywhere.

Bra Spotting, Part 1

Remember way back when I talked about panty spotting?  Well, the natural counterpart is bra spotting.   It’s just as fun as panty spotting, and in fact, due to the nature of bras, there are more techniques to use.  I’ll cover these techniques over the next few posts.  It is also worth saying that bra spotting can be riskier.  There are plenty of opportunities to get caught.  You are, in fact, looking at a woman’s chest area; you don’t want to hear, “My eyes are here!”  Quick, furtive glances are the key.

Before I begin, I thought I’d mention that it’s extremely hot if you are able to glimpse a woman’s bra and her panties.  This completes the mental picture; you now can imagine her in her underwear.  It’s even hotter when the bra and panties match.  I’ll have more to say on this later.  But for now, let’s talk about bra spotting.

The first technique is simply glimpsing the bra right through a sheer blouse.  I’m not talking about seeing the outline against a tight-fitting sweater; I’m talking about actually seeing the bra.  Admittedly, this is rare, but it can happen, as it did to me the other day.  We were having a go-away party for our administrative assistant, who is leaving our group and going to work in another department.  She’s an extremely cute blonde, in her late thirties, and recently divorced as well.  I couldn’t believe the blouse she was wearing.  It was white, and although you couldn’t see much through the front, the back was so sheer that you clearly saw the entire bra.  Heck, if the bra had been a color other than white, I would have been able to tell you the exact shade.

This situation is ideal, in the sense that you can stare without being caught, at least by her.  (Watch out for bystanders!)  The next two techniques are more risky, since you can easily get caught if you aren’t careful.

As for the lady, she still works in my building.  I’ll have to stop by every once in a while to see when she wears the blouse.  (Oh, and I never got to spot her panties that day.  Oh well!)

Charting the Cycle

At a previous job I received a little tidbit of advice from a co-worker: if you have a female manager in your chain-of-command, plot her menstrual cycle.  He swore by it.  He said that if he was asking for something, he would wait until his female boss was not “on the rag.”  When I asked if this was difficult, he said it wasn’t.   Apparently, his boss was really moody when she was having her period.

Earlier this year, I had started to do this with Hasna.  Of course, when I learned that she was pregnant, I had to abandon my little project.  But I think I will attempt it with Hasna’s boss Linda, who is filling in for Hasna.  And I might just try it with Ashna, who I noticed can be a bit moody at times.

There’s not much I can offer as far as advice, except to say that most women feel the most irritable before they actually get their period (this is why it’s called pre-menstrual syndrome).  And the only other clue is to see if they take their purse with them to the ladies’ room.  Most modern-day ladies’ rooms at the office have tampon dispensers, but some women still prefer pads, so very often you will see women take their purses with them.  Also note that women’s cycles can vary in length, especially if they are not taking birth control.

When I return to work, I’ll start keeping a log of how irritable Ashna and Linda seem to be.  And I’ll note if I happen to see them enter the ladies room with purse in tow.  I’ll post the results here.

Slow Day Means Story Time

What a slow day at the office — nobody was in.  I thought it would have been a great day to spend some time flirting with the hotties, but alas, nobody was in.  No Ashna.  No Praveena.  No Maryanne.  I even checked to see if Ellen was in.  Nobody!  I would have even flirted with Michelle, had she been in.

I’ve been reading the How To Cheat On Your Girl blog that I mentioned in my last post, and getting all sorts of great advice.  But I also have some good advice of my own, and in the spirit of sharing, I thought I’d entertain with a quick little story that has a small nugget of advice.

The story is actually not my story — it’s from a guy I worked with a long time ago.  I’ll call him Steve, and he was telling a bunch of us this story (this is Steve talking):

“A while back, I got a call from a woman named Wanda.  She called me by my name, and she said she met me.  I didn’t know her, so I asked who she was.  She then got angry with me, saying, ‘You mean you don’t remember?’  I honestly didn’t, and I told her so.  She then yelled at me, called me an a-hole, and hung up on me.  I figured it was a prank call, so I shrugged and went back to work.

“A few weeks later, I was talking with a buddy of mine, and he asked, ‘Hey, did you ever get a call from Wanda?’  I said ‘Yeah, what was that?’  He told me that he picked up this girl at a bar, and since he had my business card, he used my name.  When she asked for his number, he gave her the business card.”

Wow, what a neat trick!  It works even better if you manage to steal a bunch of business cards from a person that you dislike (and who you don’t interact with a whole lot — preferably, at a different company).  Although I’ve never actually used this trick, I’ve got a variation planned out that might work for you.  If you ever leave a company, by all means keep your old business cards.  This way, you can scribble a fake number on it, and give it to her.  My name happens to be generic enough (something like Charles Smith), so I can pull it off with almost no traceability.  It also works great if you worked for a dot-com that went bust.  (Just be careful if you’ve listed the place in your LinkedIn profile — they might be able to find you.)  Heck, you could even print out fake business cards if you have the time and inclination.

Holiday Party, Act I

Ok, I love the annual company holiday party.  And better yet, there are two of them!  For simplicity, let’s call them the A-party and the B-party.  The A-party is the nice party — although the invitation says business casual, everyone dresses up.  The B-party used to be held at a restaurant, and was a jeans-type affair.  But this year, for the B-party, the company just rented out a large space, and the dress code was business casual.

Last night was the B-party.  I have to admit, I wasn’t in the greatest of moods yesterday.  Normally, when the parties roll around, I try to see who is going, so I can plan my flirting accordingly.  But the only woman that was going to the B-party was Michelle, and we know that she is not on my flirting list.

The first half of the party was okay — I had dinner, I sat with some coworkers (all male), and I walked around saying hi to people.  No flirting whatsoever.  I wasn’t wearing a suit, so I felt a little underdressed.  A few glasses of wine were helping my mood, but it was still looking like a complete bust.

But then, the DJ started to play some dance tunes.  Good ones.  And the Office Player kicked it into high gear.

I’m not a great dancer, but I can move.  And I’ve mentioned that I’m in pretty decent shape, so I can keep up with the kids.  So I danced away the rest of the night, which is one of THE best ways to flirt.  (Even learned the Cha-Cha Slide.  Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve been to a wedding or a club.)

The highlight of the night was a woman named Brenda.  She’s a hot Filipino woman about my age.  She was also wearing a wedding ring (remember, the Office Player always wears his ring!).  We tore it up pretty good on the dance floor, including a little grind action.  Sweet!  We talked briefly at the end of the party.  She works in a different building.  We didn’t make plans or anything like that, but I definitely have someone else to keep in my sights.

I also met Michelle’s boyfriend, but I’ll save that for another post.  Quick note: no, she’s not the real religious type.

Tonight is the A-party.  There’s a huge snowstorm moving in, so I might not go.  I sure hope that I can.  Now that I know the Cha-Cha Slide. 

Masturbation At Work

Question for the guys:  Have you ever masturbated at work?

I’ll bet that the answer for most guys is yes, at least once.  There are those times where you get that horny, and you just gotta go rub one out.  Maybe you were walking behind an office hottie, and the sight of her perfect ass caused a stir.  Maybe a cutie bent over, and you got a delicious view of her breasts.  Or maybe you were just daydreaming in that meeting.  Whatever the reason, when you’re horny, you’re horny.

Of course, this takes place in the men’s room, and it has to be done quietly.  Sure, men will take a newspaper (or some printouts of ESPN) into the men’s room, but trust me, it does not take 20 minutes to read all the stories.

But I don’t bother with such pretenses.  I just go in, no bones about it.  But I also make sure that I leave the area clean.  Here’s what I do:

1. I walk into the stall and close the door.
2. I withdraw about 25 inches of toilet paper, and fold it three times.  The result is a 3-ply strip about 8 inches long.
3. I drape the paper from the front of the bowl into the water.
4. I quietly take matters into my own hands.
5. Since the toilet paper is draped nicely in the line of fire, nothing gets left.
6. One flush and the evidence is gone.

It happens.  Once, a few of us were talking about how somebody had left a long strip of toilet paper that covered up the gaps in between the door and the rest of the stall.  We couldn’t figure out why — nobody really goes in and peeps through the crack.  One guy said, “Well, maybe they’re jerking off, but nobody would really want to watch that.”

How often is another question.  When I was younger, masturbation was a three-times daily ritual — sometimes more!  (Ah, to be 19 again.)  Now, I’m happy to manage once a day.  And these days, it’s not really at work any more.  I need to save my mojo for the ladies.

The Ring Thing

Forget about the episode of Seinfeld where George wears a wedding ring and has women hitting on him left and right.  It’s bunk.  The fact is,  when you wear a ring, you are essentially stating publicly that you are off the market.

There’s no hiding the fact that I’m married. Everybody knows it.  It’s the reason why I don’t go out for drinks after work, or why I don’t stay out until two in the morning.  I always wear my wedding ring.

Then how does a married guy score?  As far as I can tell, there are three ways to play it:

• Don’t wear the ring, and don’t mention the marriage.  Unless you are travelling on business and are looking for a one-night stand, don’t do it!  Initially, you’ll quickly find out who the interested ladies are, but you’ll sound like a fool when you’re invited out to drinks and keep making excuses.  And when they find out — and believe me, they will — you will look like a complete jackass.  Also, you’ll only get hit on by single women — trust me, you’re missing out, as I’ll explain in a later post.
• Don’t wear the ring, but don’t hide the marriage.  If you ask me, this just isn’t feasible.  By not wearing the ring, you are, in effect, hiding the marriage.  Plus, suppose you are out for drinks with coworkers, and a young lady comes up to talk to you.  Having a coworker come up and say, “You know, he’s married,” makes you feel like an even bigger jackass.
• Wear the ring.  The only option left.  It limits your options for a while, but in the long run, it’s worth it.  You never have to worry about anybody “outing” you.  You never have to worry about putting the ring back on when you come home, or worse, potentially losing the ring.  (I almost did this once, in a bar.  Fortunately, I found it on the floor, but it was the scariest five minutes of my life.)

A quick story will illustrate.  There’s a lady who works in my building named Ellen.  Blonde hair, BBW, not especially cute but not too bad.  I pass her desk every day when I go for coffee.  Well, I wasn’t wearing my ring the first time I passed, and I decided to flirt with her.  Ellen flirted back, and within a week, I found myself removing my ring when I went for coffee.  Before long, Ellen was dropping strong hints about wanting to go out — inviting me down for birthday cake, calling me at my desk, etc.  I had to take her aside and explain that I was married, which was a very awkward conversation.  I still smile and wave, and she smiles back, but I’ve essentially ruined any chance I had with her.

Final note:  If you do take your ring off, take an extra minute and put it on your key chain.