Question:  When you enter a conference room, and spot a woman wearing a button-down blouse, where should you sit?

Answer:  If you are trying to glimpse her bra, on her left.

Why?  It has to do with the way women’s blouses are buttoned.  Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right side; women’s blouses have them on the left.  This means that the right side (the one with the button holes) is placed over the one on the left side, and therefore, you have a good chance of spotting bra when you are positioned on the left.

The beauty of this technique is, it works for a large variety of body sizes and blouse types.  With a loose-fitting blouse (which is more common), the front tends to bunch up a bit, particularly when the woman is sitting down and leaning forward.  You wind up getting a good view of the tops of her breasts.  When the blouse is tight, you will generally get a good peek at the lower breast area.

I was watching a rerun of The Office the other day, and it was the episode where Michael gets back from Jamaica.  In the very beginning of the episode, I immediately noticed that Karen’s blouse was kinda loose, and immediately began to look.  Sure enough, thirty seconds later, I caught a shot of her bra:

Although technically we are looking from the right side, you can see how the blouse bunches up, and with a little practice, you can effectively spot a bra.  So, give it a try, and let me know how you do!

In my last post, I covered the lowest-risk way to spot a bra, which was to simply look through a sheer blouse.  The problem is, of course, that this requires the woman to be wearing such a see-through blouse.

The second technique is the “down blouse” technique.  Now I know that I don’t even have to describe this to you; a simple image search for “down blouse” will show you exactly what is meant.  This is the most common technique for observing a woman’s bra, but it is also the riskiest.  If she happens to look up right when you are looking down her blouse, you are in trouble.  In fact, even if you don’t actually look down the blouse, you might be an unwitting victim of circumstance if you are simply standing in the wrong spot, facing the wrong direction.

Nevertheless, it can be done.  Here are a few tips (pun not intended):

1. Never stand above a woman, trying to look down the blouse.  This is just way too obvious.  Rather, wait until she is bending forward, perhaps to pick something up or to fix something.  Chances are, she will be so engrossed in what she is doing that she may not realize that you are looking.  I had a great view of a secretary who was cutting a cake at an office birthday party.
2. If you see a woman place her hand on her chest, to hold up her blouse, then abandon the effort.  She is aware of her predicament and will be looking out for guys to accuse.
3. People think that a button-down blouse is a necessity for this technique, but in actuality, you do much better if the woman is wearing a scoop top.  In fact, I’ve found that a scoop top even works better than a tank top.  (If she is wearing a button-down blouse, you might have better luck if you try the technique outlined in Part 3, which is soon to come.)
4. Don’t stare for more than half a second.  Quick, furtive glances are the key.

With practice, you will develop the instinct to quickly look when you see a woman bend over.  I’ve even spied the bras of women on TV.  For example, I was watching an episode of Home Improvement, when Jill (played by Patricia Richardson) walked in with grocery bags.  She placed the grocery bags down, and boom, there was her bra, right on camera.  You think editing would have caught that.  It just goes to show — it can happen anywhere.

Remember way back when I talked about panty spotting?  Well, the natural counterpart is bra spotting.   It’s just as fun as panty spotting, and in fact, due to the nature of bras, there are more techniques to use.  I’ll cover these techniques over the next few posts.  It is also worth saying that bra spotting can be riskier.  There are plenty of opportunities to get caught.  You are, in fact, looking at a woman’s chest area; you don’t want to hear, “My eyes are here!”  Quick, furtive glances are the key.

Before I begin, I thought I’d mention that it’s extremely hot if you are able to glimpse a woman’s bra and her panties.  This completes the mental picture; you now can imagine her in her underwear.  It’s even hotter when the bra and panties match.  I’ll have more to say on this later.  But for now, let’s talk about bra spotting.

The first technique is simply glimpsing the bra right through a sheer blouse.  I’m not talking about seeing the outline against a tight-fitting sweater; I’m talking about actually seeing the bra.  Admittedly, this is rare, but it can happen, as it did to me the other day.  We were having a go-away party for our administrative assistant, who is leaving our group and going to work in another department.  She’s an extremely cute blonde, in her late thirties, and recently divorced as well.  I couldn’t believe the blouse she was wearing.  It was white, and although you couldn’t see much through the front, the back was so sheer that you clearly saw the entire bra.  Heck, if the bra had been a color other than white, I would have been able to tell you the exact shade.

This situation is ideal, in the sense that you can stare without being caught, at least by her.  (Watch out for bystanders!)  The next two techniques are more risky, since you can easily get caught if you aren’t careful.

As for the lady, she still works in my building.  I’ll have to stop by every once in a while to see when she wears the blouse.  (Oh, and I never got to spot her panties that day.  Oh well!)

Another cheap thrill that I indulge in at the office is identifying the color of panties that a woman wears.  When a lady bends over (or squats down) to retrieve something, you will usually get a cute little flash of panty.  Typically it’s not much; you’ll usually get just enough to identify the color, and with luck, the brand.  But it’s usually enough to create an accurate mental picture of a woman in her panties — and that’s a very sweet mental picture.

Sometimes, particularly in the summer, you’ll find that when women lean forward in their chairs, it’s enough to reveal their panties.  And that’s the best, because if you’re quiet, you can stare for entire minutes.  It doesn’t work so well during the winter, when baggy sweaters or suit jackets cover the lower back.

So what are my favorite colors?  Well here they are:

• Black:  You can’t go wrong with basic black.  Black works with any style and any material — plain cotton, satin, lace, it always looks good, and it shows that she cares enough to choose great-looking underwear.  Which implies she wants to be looked at.
• Red:  If it’s red, it has to be bright red, and preferably lacy.  But when done right, it’s killer.
• Pattern:  Patterns only work when it’s a bold pattern, like stripes.  Little pink flowers don’t work; they give the “old granny” look.
• Orange:  I have a thing for orange panties.  It’s as if they say, “Notice my underwear!”  And believe me, I do.
• Pink:  It’s gotta be hot pink.  Cotton-candy pink is just too boring.

And, of course, my least favorites:

• White:  White is a convenience color.  Even when it’s brighly-bleached white, it still implies that she doesn’t want to be seen in her underwear.  (The exception?  White lace.  The naughty-bride look.  That works!)
• Purple:  Simply not bold enough.
• Pastels:   Same reason — not bold enough.
• Earth tones (beige, brown, etc.):  Yuck.  Looks like dirty white.  A real mood-killer.

What about thongs?  It goes without saying that any color thong works well.  And sometimes, you’d be surprised who wears them.  Once, at a previous company, there was a very plain-looking girl who worked in a different group.  Nice body, not a lot of makeup, all-business, kind-of nerdy.  Well, when she was leaning forward in her chair once, I actually did a double-take when I noticed her thong, high-up along her back.  I told a fellow panty-spotter at work, and he was equally surprised.

I’d love to hear if anyone has any other panty-spotting techniques!

What, you’ve never heard of chair sniffing?  Let me explain.

It’s late on a Friday, the office is empty, and you walk by the desk of an cutie you’ve had your eye on.  You round the corner, hoping to see her — drat, she’s not there.  You step into her cube, looking at her phone, her keyboard, the pictures of her husband on her desk.  You look at her chair.  Less than an hour ago, she was sitting right in that chair.  Her cute butt was planted right there on the seat cushion.

Yes, her ass — right there.  You quickly look around, but the office is empty.  You bend down, plant your nose on the seat cushion, and take a deep sniff.

In my first post, I alluded to this practice.  I think every guy has done this at least once in his lifetime.  I’ll admit, it’s a cheap, perverted thrill, but I still do it.  And the results are interesting.  Sometimes, you catch a whiff of perfume.  Sometimes, you only smell upholestry.  But sometimes, you catch a little musky aroma.  Oh, sweet!  Those are the times you stay there for a few minutes, drinking in her womanly scent.

The only chair I’ve sniffed recently is Hasna’s chair, but all I’ve smelled is baby powder.  Oh well.

Question for the guys:  Have you ever masturbated at work?

I’ll bet that the answer for most guys is yes, at least once.  There are those times where you get that horny, and you just gotta go rub one out.  Maybe you were walking behind an office hottie, and the sight of her perfect ass caused a stir.  Maybe a cutie bent over, and you got a delicious view of her breasts.  Or maybe you were just daydreaming in that meeting.  Whatever the reason, when you’re horny, you’re horny.

Of course, this takes place in the men’s room, and it has to be done quietly.  Sure, men will take a newspaper (or some printouts of ESPN) into the men’s room, but trust me, it does not take 20 minutes to read all the stories.

But I don’t bother with such pretenses.  I just go in, no bones about it.  But I also make sure that I leave the area clean.  Here’s what I do:

1. I walk into the stall and close the door.
2. I withdraw about 25 inches of toilet paper, and fold it three times.  The result is a 3-ply strip about 8 inches long.
3. I drape the paper from the front of the bowl into the water.
4. I quietly take matters into my own hands.
5. Since the toilet paper is draped nicely in the line of fire, nothing gets left.
6. One flush and the evidence is gone.

It happens.  Once, a few of us were talking about how somebody had left a long strip of toilet paper that covered up the gaps in between the door and the rest of the stall.  We couldn’t figure out why — nobody really goes in and peeps through the crack.  One guy said, “Well, maybe they’re jerking off, but nobody would really want to watch that.”

How often is another question.  When I was younger, masturbation was a three-times daily ritual — sometimes more!  (Ah, to be 19 again.)  Now, I’m happy to manage once a day.  And these days, it’s not really at work any more.  I need to save my mojo for the ladies.